Aaj bhi khwaab unke aate hain, toh aankh bhar aati hain
Woh pal, woh ehsaas dil ke itne kareeb hain
Hosh mein hum unhe yaad karne se katraate hain
Par behoshi mein gehri har ek jazbaat khilke nazar aati hain
Un khayaalon pe mera bas nahi chalta
Dil ke kisi ek kone mein dabi woh ehsaas khud ko jataake
Bas saanson mein unki haseen khushboo chhod gum ho jaati hain…
Sometimes all we want is a loving word and a hug in spite of how unreasonably we behave. I swear I am not PMSing! I am just depressed with life right now coz nothing, I repeat nothing at all is going right. All day long, when I see my friends post about how they have no work to do or how boring it is at work, I wish I had something to post on similar lines. Every moment of every effing long day I wonder what I am doing wrong. Is it my fault then that I am in such an ugly mood? Is it too much to ask from people close to me to bear with me? I can understand and I can be reasonable but seriously, I don’t want to. Not right now! It just adds to the pain that I cannot talk to anyone because everyone is busy, either in their own lives or in their work. I call Mom to talk about something happy that will cheer me up but like everyone else, she has her own share of problems to talk about. I did not even manage to tell her that I miss her. Dad is angry with me because I acted all grown up and told him that he is being unreasonable. Well, I thought I was grown up and could talk to him on behalf of Mom. But I gather that for him I am still his little girl and I’m not welcome to advise him. So great! Everyone is angry with me. I have been sulking since last night. The one person I thought would be patient with me goes, “Look! Give me a call when you are out of this mood of yours. I don’t know why you are behaving this way.” I don’t know what else can be added to this bloody mood of mine. You must be thinking that these are such inconsequential stuff. I agree! Petty issues! But for me these are big right now. These are clouding my thought process. I just need a hug and my girl friends L
It is again one of those days, when I laze around doing nothing soaking up the heat of the afternoon sun. Memories from past keep flooding back to my mind and my eyes get moist. I miss my school days when by this time i.e., 5 PM, I would run back home to savor the mouth-watering delicacies Mom made for us, Dada and me. He would already be at the table when I reached enjoying the treat and smirk at me because he cycled his way back and never give me a ride. He always was a pompous teenager and would never let me play with him or his friends. Anyways, that was not what I was thinking about. My mind just finds seven different routes to wander about at any given moment. I used to neatly pile my bag in a corner and walk to the table and take my seat. Mom would pat my head and hand me my treat which always managed to vanquish the turmoil of the past hours that I spent day dreaming. I miss Mom’s pat on my head now. I don’t remember most of the incidents from my childhood. For that matter I don’t remember much from 5 years back. The memories are hazy and blotchy like they are not mine, but snippets of someone else’s life. My room-mate manages to land into a rambling about incidents from her childhood days anytime anyone asks her to. It scares me! I sometime wonder if I have dementia! My brother remembers too. Every little thing he did or said in his life and he is four years elder to me! I don’t! Worse, I don’t remember the names of the professors who taught me 3 months back. Well, unless they did something that would never let me forget them. But 3 months is still a short time period to forget. Isn’t it? There is an exception though! I remember clearly all the unpleasant memories of my life. I was discussing this with one of my friends a few days back as we walked back home from class and he said, “It is ‘coz you do not talk about it enough. The more you think about your past and talk about it, the clearer it is. You are so silent all the time. No wonder you cannot remember much.” That set me thinking again. I remember days when Mom used to tell her friends that I am very talkative and gregarious, that I make friends easily and open up to perfect strangers very quickly. Well! That seems to have changed now. Like I said, this was not what I was thinking but my mind has its own mind! There was this time when I was travelling with my Mom and Dada to Kolkatta to spend my summer Holidays with my cousins. We boarded the second class compartment of the Coromandal express from Chennai. It was an extremely hot day and we carried with us a thermocol ice case filled with soft drink cans, about 25 cans. I remember quarrelling with Dada all the way to Kolkatta for my share. I wonder what I would be ready to give away now to live that journey one more time! I want my childhood days back when I was a carefree child whose only worries were her rival in class beating her to the First rank or how to explain to Mom the tongue reddened by licking at a lollipop or why there are Ink spots on the shirt sleeves? I want my childhood days when I refused to sit unless Baba offered me his lap. I would then climb into his lamp and fit my small, thin body comfortably onto his right thigh and right arm and rest there till I slept. I never slept better! I remember Dad coming home after a game of tennis on my 13th birthday and find me sleeping silently. He was surprised ‘coz usually I create a ruckus on my birthdays. He touched my forehead and found it burning hot. He picked me up and took me to a doctor immediately. I had the symptoms of Malaria. On my way back a giant black scorpion crossed our path. I was scared but Baba said that it won’t harm. Just at that moment, it started to move towards my feet. I was frozen with fear. Baba killed it with a big stone then and bent and gave me a bear hug. I realized that he would have let it go had I not been there. I miss my Baba’s bear hug.
Hmmm! I do remember a little!! There! my room-mate is back already and I am still rambling. I think I bored enough and I should get going now…
I watched a beautiful hindi movie today titled, "Maine Gandhi Ko Nahi Maara.." with the lead roles played by Anupam Kher and Urmila Matondkar. It was a beautiful story depicting a Family's, especially a daughter's struggle with their old father suffering from pseudo dementia/dementia/alzheimer's. Here is a poem recited all through the movie written by hindi poet - Sri SuryaKant Tripati Nirala. Sri Harivansh Rai Bachchan was mentioned as the poet in some places.
lehron se dar kar nauka paar nahi hoti
himmat karne walon ki haar nahi hoti....
nanhi chinti jab dana lekar chalti hai
chadti deewaron par sau baar fisalti hai
mann ka vishwas ragon mein sahas banta hai
chad kar girna, gir kar chadna na akharta hai
akhir uski mehnat bekar nahi hoti
koshish karne waalon ki haar nahi hoti....
ja ja kar khali haath laut aata hai
milte na sehej hi moti pani mein
behta duna utsah issi heiraani mein
mutthi uski khali har baar nahi hoti
himmat karne walon ki haar nahi hoti....
asaflta ek chunati hai sweekar karo
kya kami reh gayi dekho aur sudhaar karo
jab tak na safal ho neend chain ki tyago tum
sangharshon ka maidaan chhod mat bhago tum
kuch kiye bina hi jai jai kaar nahi hoti
himmat karne walon ki haar nahi hoti....
It was you whom I saw once and never wanted to look away
my heart beat like it never did before you came my way
It was your hand I held once and never wanted to let go
resting in my arms a moment, the next away you go
It was in your eyes that I found a reason to smile
dreams about you that stop me from resting a while
To hear your heart I shut away the entire world
restlessly in wait for a word that may escape your hold
It was you that i saw and wanted nothing more
Its your love that I need and then nothing more
sharing with you, caring for you
It is you that I will ever want and then nothing more..
Deb
